Here’s the Tea: Jessica Simpson Was Funnier on Reality TV Than Any of the Kardashians

A true icon.
  • You probably watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and we don’t blame you for enjoying it. Hell, we shamelessly enjoy their shamelessness too.

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  • They’re sassy.

  • And hilarious.

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    “Kim, there’s people that are dying.”

  • A+ entertainment, in our opinion.

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  • However, let’s not forget the person who blazed the trail for the Kardashians. The true reality TV icon. A queen, even. Ms. Jessica Simpson. Today’s her 35th birthday, so to ignore her would just be plain rude.

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    BOW THE EFF DOWN.

  • She slayed the game on MTV’s Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica a whopping four years before the Kardashians took over the world. Just look at her laying down hard facts in her house like a GD boss.

  • Or when she was literally all of us.

    We still get anxiety pumping gas, tbh.

  • How about when she and Nick Lachey made you feel #RelationshipGoals long before Kim and Kanye? (And—erm—Kourtney and Scott at one point before recent ugliness.)

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  • She was relatable AF.

  • …not exactly a culinary expert.

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    Remember when she said in disgust, “I don’t eat buffalo” when confronted with buffalo wings? We can’t. We just can’t.

  • But she knew the important things, like how a good cuddle session can cure all problems. Or just, ya know, being around the smokeshow that was 2003 Nick. (Actually, he’s still got it.)

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  • She once did this with her legs.

    A pioneering feminist moment in pop culture.

  • AND THEN THERE WAS THE TIME SHE DID THE MOST ICONIC THING TO EVER HAPPEN ON TELEVISION.

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    “Is this chicken what I have or is this fish?” The phrase changed the GD world.

  • Here it is in GIF form. (Don’t you see how it trumps anything the Kardashians have ever said ever?)

    Flawless.

  • But the cake happened when Jessica and her friend got Lasik eye surgery, and the struggle was beyond real.

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    They couldn’t see a damn thing.

  • But, like brave souls, they marched on (blindly) to eat burgers. Red-blooded Americans.

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    Blind Jessica Simpson putting ketchup on a burger at Red Robin is the everygirl.

  • In conclusion, thank you for all the laughs, J. You’re the one.

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    *Can’t see the haters.*

Watch I Love the 2000s relive the awesomeness that was Newlyweds in the video below.