Dear Britney Jean Spears,
Hi bae. It’s Chris. I’ve been a loyal stan since 1999—so much that I flew out to Las Vegas to see your show Britney: Piece of Me in January 2014. In fact, I remember thinking, “Wow, I’m really glad there are no songs with Iggy Azalea in Britney’s setlist, because that would be the worst.” I said this before “Pretty Girls” even existed. Yes, I’m psychic. Call me Raven-Symoné.
I’m writing you, Brit—can I call you Brit?—because I’m pissed AF. It’s Friday. Today was supposed to be a good day. I showered. I ate a bagel. I didn’t look like a thot leaving my apartment. All good things, right?
Except now it’s all gone to shit. Why? Because it appears you’ve added “Pretty Girls”—your cringe-worthy, ear-bleeding duet with Iggy Iggs—to your otherwise flawless Piece Of Me setlist. Are you feeling okay? You need to thoroughly walk me through every conversation that led to this sacrilege happening.
Because “Pretty Girls” is utter garbage. I’m sorry, bb, but it is. It’s not catchy and feels dated as hell. I thought you were done with Iggy after she blamed you for “PG” flopping? Remember when you clapped back at her? That was a good day. Unlike today.
Your performance of the song was flaw-free, as per usual, because you are queen. But that’s not the point, Brit. There are so many other songs more deserving of a slot on your setlist besides “Shitty Girls.” Here is a non-exhaustive list:
Britney, I love the f—ck out of you. Please tell me this “Pretty Girls” tomfoolery was a one-time thing. (Even if that’s a lie.) This has sufficiently killed my Friday vibes. Still adore you, though.
Meet at Starbucks later? K.