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We Just Can't With This Video Of Britney Spears Debuting "Pretty Girls" In Vegas

Of all the GD songs in her catalog...
By Christopher Rosa
August 7, 2015 / 11:30 AM

Dear Britney Jean Spears,

Hi bae. It's Chris. I've been a loyal stan since 1999—so much that I flew out to Las Vegas to see your show Britney: Piece of Me in January 2014. In fact, I remember thinking, "Wow, I'm really glad there are no songs with Iggy Azalea in Britney's setlist, because that would be the worst." I said this before "Pretty Girls" even existed. Yes, I'm psychic. Call me Raven-Symoné.

I'm writing you, Brit—can I call you Brit?—because I'm pissed AF. It's Friday. Today was supposed to be a good day. I showered. I ate a bagel. I didn't look like a thot leaving my apartment. All good things, right?

Except now it's all gone to shit. Why? Because it appears you've added "Pretty Girls"—your cringe-worthy, ear-bleeding duet with Iggy Iggs—to your otherwise flawless Piece Of Me setlist. Are you feeling okay? You need to thoroughly walk me through every conversation that led to this sacrilege happening.

Because "Pretty Girls" is utter garbage. I'm sorry, bb, but it is. It's not catchy and feels dated as hell. I thought you were done with Iggy after she blamed you for "PG" flopping? Remember when you clapped back at her? That was a good day. Unlike today.

Your performance of the song was flaw-free, as per usual, because you are queen. But that's not the point, Brit. There are so many other songs more deserving of a slot on your setlist besides "Shitty Girls." Here is a non-exhaustive list:

  • "Breathe On Me"—a life-giving slow-burner from In the Zone (2003). More worthy than "Pretty Girls."

  • "Unusual You"—an electro-tinged ballad from Circus (2008). More worthy than "Pretty Girls."

  • "Who Let the Dogs Out"—the 2000 single from Baha Men. Light-years more worthy than "Pretty Girls."

  • "Inside Out"—a should've-been-a-single track from Femme Fatale (2011). More worthy than "Pretty Girls."

  • Any song from Britney Jean (2013)—including "Tik Tik Boom" feat. T.I. More worthy than "Pretty Girls."

  • The Pokémon theme song—a nostalgic throwback. More worthy than "Pretty Girls."

  • "Shadow"—the best GD slow song you've ever recorded, capable of simultaneously providing orgasms and tears. Also from In the Zone. More worthy than "Pretty Girls."

  • The intro song to Out of the Box—I'm talking about the Playhouse Disney television show. Infinitely more worthy than "Pretty Girls."

    • Britney, I love the f—ck out of you. Please tell me this "Pretty Girls" tomfoolery was a one-time thing. (Even if that's a lie.) This has sufficiently killed my Friday vibes. Still adore you, though.

    Meet at Starbucks later? K.

    Xoxo,

    Chris