Do you remember me? We met during Grammy Awards weekend 2010 at some event and I interviewed you and told you how some boy I was so in love with put me onto your music? India Arie was there, having her handlers tell people that she didn’t want to talk to press as Justin Bieber ultimately took all of the press’ attention anyway. Does any of this ring a bell?
No? Okay, well my point is that you’re my favorite white girl next to Tina Fey so I really want to talk to you about a recent tweet I saw.
My ex is married and having a baby. I'm over here married to MUSIC and pregnant with this ALBUM.
— JoJo (@iamjojo) July 27, 2015
Well, girl, where is the baby? She should be filling out her FAFSA soon, taking in warnings from her older relatives about the burden of student loans. Now, I know you had to endure a lengthy legal battle with your former label, who effectively held your music hostage. When we did get pieces of new music, their useless selves didn’t do much with it.
I will never, ever let Blackground get away with allowing “Demonstrate” not to reach its full potential. And yes, I do know you have released two mixtapes and an EP to calm the nerves of impatient fans like me. But, but, but: It’s been too long now. Where is the music that I can purchase on iTunes?
Notice I said purchase and not stream. I’m already thinking about ways I can best support your new product. When is the single coming? When is the video for that single coming? Repeat these questions for the second single. Then answer me about the album release date.
Does the album have an overall vibe? I’m hoping soulful, and unlike those European singers who do adult contemporary marketed as soul, your voice is legitimately soulful. You are like Teena Marie’s grandniece, only with more crossover appeal.
Can you tell how much I miss you?
I know good things come to those who wait, but we’ve been waiting a smooth several years now for a third album. Even Dr. Dre released a new album. Lord knows he had people waiting for Detox for more than a decade. It hasn’t been that long, but it’s not that great of a difference.
Please feed your baby a few more meals and then drop that album already. The sooner the better ,preferably. This is all said with love, so don’t curse me out on Twitter, please.