Hello! We’re back for another week of weirdness on Pretty Little Liars. There’s no parrot this week, which makes me devastated, but there are allusions to Shelley poetry, a dream date to an insane asylum, and a cabin in the woods filled with creepy masks! Allons-y!
The girls are at the coffee shop, but instead of sipping java, they are going through a box of some bird stuff and I already miss the parrot from last week. I LOVE THAT PARROT.
Aria says she’s jealous of her mom’s love life, and I get it, because her mom’s in the process of getting invited to Austria by a hot guy who reads Shelley poetry. Her mom is living all of my adolescent fantasies.
The girls are all nervous because they haven’t seen creepy Mona creeping lately. They’re also nervous because they’re going through Allison’s old notebooks (they were in the bird box) and found a masquerade mask in the same box. Some really thin girl enters the coffee shop and Spencer Tracy makes small talk with her. Thin Girl brags about her professional life and Spencer Tracy is all like, “Are you a murderer?” Thin girl whispers, “Dream of a better life, Spencer Tracy!” Which is good advice from anyone, especially murderers.
Later, on the church steps, Hanna is talking to a Jacob Black knock off in a red jacket about his dad and fishing. It’s a really boring conversation. I want that parrot to come back. Jacob Black Lite tells Hanna that her mom didn’t commit the murder because she was in New York. The camera stays on a little known and very ominous Shakespeare quote on the Church’s sign. It’s ominous.
Aria’s mom tells her about the Austrian fantasy and that she is choosing not to go to Austria, but I think she will go to Austria. Because who wouldn’t?
Spencer Tracy is trying to find out who the parrot’s phone number belongs to. Arson Eyebrows is rereading his dead mom’s psych notes which is a shame, because he could be rereading Harry Potter. Spencer Tracy says they should go to where his mom died and fact check her death. Dream date!
Later, Hanna is drilling her mom on her New York itinerary. Her mom said she went to see a Broadway show that I can tell you is not running on Broadway right now. LIES!
Aria seduces a boy over a Bogey and Bacall flick, which is a mistake because he’s too dumb to enjoy black and white movies. Cute boy is all like, “Maybe, I don’t like old movies, but that’s okay. I still want to bang you and I still want us to have a relationship fraught with drama.” Well, he doesn’t say that precisely. It’s subtext. (Also, is this dojo guy? There are too many blandly attractive men on this show for me to keep track of.)
(It is dojo guy. Okay.)
Meanwhile…at the doctor’s office, Emily is getting grilled on her fake “I fell off my bike” story about her shoulder. The doctor tries to give her legal meds, but she’s like, “NOOOOO! That’s why I hit my head!!!!” “You were on illegal meds when you hit your head?” “NOOOOO! BYE!” She flees.
Hanna visits her mom at work and finds out via florist card (it’s complicated) that her mom didn’t see the Broadway show that’s not on Broadway. Her mom wants to chase after her, but the phone rings and telephone calls are more important than following after your daughter.
The other girls are in school, which is where teenagers should be because education is important for self-betterment. They’re chatting about various things…Vienna…birdsong…the weather…murders….
Emily’s mom shows up and is all, “Get in the car! Your doctor told me that you’re doping with my drugs! I actually did a good parental thing and counted the meds! I’m intervening in your life!!! Get in the car!” Aria and Spencer Tracy watch on in confusion. Aria gets a text that suggests A is going after her mother next–or maybe Emily’s?
The fact that the moms seem to be the targets suggests to me A is Allison’s mother, but I’m too unfamiliar with this show to have actual intelligent theories about what’s going on.
Hanna is in school. Okay. I feel relieved. She’s talking to discount Jacob Black about her mom or something. After this, Hanna decides to go to the police station. For some reason, she’s allowed to walk into the actual evidence room where police are compiling evidence about all the weird shit going on. Just as she’s about to take a photo of it, the discount Adam Scott cop from two weeks ago stops her. The Thin Girl from the coffee shop is also at the police station. To frame one of the girls??? I HOPE SO. THAT WOULD BE EXCITING.
You know what also would be exciting? If the parrot came back.
DISCOUNT JACOB BLACK’S NAME IS CALEB.
Caleb Black confronts Hanna’s dad about Officer Wharton College’s death. Apparently Wharton College is Hanna’s half-brother??? Wharton’s mom was married to Hanna’s dad??? I’m so confused!
Aria and Emily discover that the masquerade mask can be removed to reveal another mask that looks like Allison’s face, that looks just like the mask Mona has and just like the mask every single creepy person on this show has. Oh, and the mask also has a manufacturer’s label. That’s convenient.
Elsewhere, sad music plays as Hanna ponders her life choices. Her mom bursts in and gets mad at Hanna for spying on her and Hanna is mad at her mom for lying to her. Family drama…sigh…
Spencer Tracy is on her dream date with Arson Eyebrows. They’re breaking into the insane asylum where his mom died. Spencer is at her sexiest right now and I’m mad that I’ve only ever gone to movies on my dates with guys. Insane asylums are way more inventive.
Back home, Aria and Emily bring the mask to Hanna’s house and Hanna confirms it’s just like the one some creeper she saw on a train once had. Hector Lime is the guy who made them. Hanna is all, “Cool! Let’s go and talk to him.” Aria and Emily are all, “WITHOUT SPENCER TRACY?!?!?” Hanna peer pressures them into dropping their devotion to their absent friend.
The terrible trio approaches Hector Lime’s cabin and it’s creepy (like everything on this show). Hector Lime looks like a either a serial killer or a socially awkward loner intimidated by human beings. They show him the mask and he replies, “You better come in.” This is how horror films start, dear readers, but it’s also how some of my friendships have started, too.
Cut to…the insane asylum of death!
Arson Eyebrows and Spencer Tracy are in his dead mom’s dead room looking at her dead window and talking about her death. It’s sweet. The only other thing they need is candlelight and a bottle of wine.
Back in the horror cabin, the artist explains that Allison modeled for him for a Joan of Arc project. He also starts to lick his lips like a salamander while telling Emily she “would make a great Medusa,” which is not a compliment unless you mean pre-Gorgon Medusa. But let’s not get into Greek Mythology…
Anyway, creepy Hector will give the girls intel on the masks if Emily trades him her soul. Face! If she trades her face, not soul.
In the asylum of death, Spencer Tracy does trigonometry in her head and surmises that Arson’s mom couldn’t have committed suicide. Arson and Spencer look like they’re about to make love right now.
Meanwhile, Emily sells her soul for some information on the creepy masks. The scoop is that Allison had five of them made so “her friends could look like her.” I mean, that’s normal. Hanna goes snooping and Aria grabs a hammer. I think bad stuff is going to happen, but nothing really does. Hanna just finds a mask that shocks all three of them. Oh, and Hanna stole that mask. That’s not…nice.
Oh, discount Jacob Black is talking in the dark on the side of the road with Hanna’s dad about Hanna’s mom and the murder thing at the same time all this stuff is happening. I mean, I think that’s what they’re talking about. Discount Jacob Black tells Hanna’s dad that he loves Hanna so Hanna’s dad tells him that his gun is gone. This is supposed to worry us, but I think it’s good that Hanna’s dad can’t shoot Hanna’s boyfriend.
Emily’s mom lets her know that Family Services called her and is blaming Emily’s injuries on Emily’s mom. Emily’s mom makes some kind of philosophical statement about invasion of privacy.
Aria is at the coffee shop with her boyfriend at the same time her mom is at the coffee shop with her boyfriend. Aria takes a sec to implore her mother to run off to Vienna. Her mom decides, “Yes, I would like to get away from this crazy show.” Aria’s boyfriend/dojo-master/impending emotional disaster, comes over and they talk about the stress of watching a parent leave the nest.
Hanna shows the mask she stole to Spencer Tracy–it’s of someone named Melissa who is Spencer’s sister. The two girls speculate that Melissa and Alison may have gone to the studio together and could possibly be in cohoots. (Is Thin Girl Melissa? Don’t answer that.)
Did you guys know this has all been one night? It’s got to be 3 am, right?
Hanna goes home and has a nice chat with her mom while a door separates them. It sounds like her mom’s in the bath, but then it’s revealed that her mom is just running a bath while staring at it, which is a waste of water if you ask me.
Thin Girl confronts Spencer and talks about the meaning of life. Oh! They are sisters! So this is Melissa. Melissa wants to know why they don’t get along. I think it’s because they ask questions of each other like, “Who would you save? Me or your boyfriend?” And that they’re involved in murder investigations.
Emily gets a text from A that’s a bad photoshop of her mom in jail. Her mom lets her know that Family Services have called both her and her absent father.
The final shot is someone with leather gloves putting a record about bones on while looking at Emily’s stolen shoulder X-Ray.
Well, there it is! I STILL MISS THE PARROT.
[Photo Credit: ABC Family]