Hello! There were still no parrot sightings, but there’s a new dowdy detective in town and there was a safety deposit box full of cash and passports and we learned that only crazy people like macaroons (and that Hanna’s mom is probably guilty and that Spencer’s sister is trying to protect her). Let’s get to it!
Someone in army fatigues shows up and Emily hugs him, so I guess that’s her dad. Or she really supports the troops. At school, discount Jacob Black tells Hanna that her dad thinks that her mom stole the gun. I like Hanna’s shirt. It’s distracting me. Hanna is asking Spencer Tracy to go after her sister. They’re having a girly pow-wow and it turns out they’re being watched…BY THE COPS! The police are finally cottoning to the fact that these girls know a lot of murdered people. Or at least a new character, a very dowdy female cop is.
We cut to the coffee shop. Spencer Tracy’s mom and sister Melissa are there talking about how beautiful Melissa’s coats are. Spencer Tracy gives sass and her mom says that she shouldn’t be jealous of her sister, and I agree, because the actress playing Spencer Tracy can act and the actress playing Melissa can’t.
Anyway, Spencer Tracy finally reveals that she’s not going to U Penn and her mom and sister are like, “Yes, you are!” Spencer’s like, “No, I’m not!” Her mom and sister repeat, “Yes, you’re going to U Penn!” and Spencer says, “No, they don’t want me!” and this goes on and on and I can’t help but feel that Spencer should just go to some nice liberal arts school in New England so she can tell her family to f–k off.
Hanna goes to her mom’s office and it turns out that the cops are there, too. They found a box that belonged to dead Officer Wharton College. It’s full of Bourne Identity stuff like cash and guns and multiple passports. The question is did Hanna’s mom know Officer Wharton College was a scummy bad guy???
Emily and Spencer Tracy have a stress filled chat and then Emily has a stress filled moment when her mom and dad talk in dark mumbles I can’t decipher and Emily is left all alone.
Emily goes to the doctor and tries to tell him she’s not being abused. She’s just socially awkward. The doctor doesn’t believe her and then the doctor tells her that she needs rest and rehab for her shoulder, and possibly surgery, and possibly amputation and possibly she’ll never swim again.
Hanna has another amazing shirt on, but she’s more concerned with complimenting Dowdy Cop’s shoes. That’s a smooth move, Hanna. That’s what I used to do in retail when I wanted dowdy people to like me. Hanna then tells the dowdy cop that she thinks that Officer Wharton College was probably in the Russian mob. The Dowdy Cop is like, “Yeah, right.” She starts grilling Hanna on how well she knew Officer Wharton College. Discount Jacob Black saves the day! (I think.)
Arson Eyebrows is going on a roadtrip to Saratoga, which leaves Spencer Tracy and Aria to plan shenanigans involving a mask and Melissa and some person named Shauna. Emily tells her lesbian girlfriend that she might become an amputee and her girlfriend gloats about being able to become a faster swimmer. While Aria is on a date with her guy from the dojo, she runs into her ex-boyfriend/current teacher’s kid, which makes Dojo Master curious…
Aria tells Dojo Master about her affair with her teacher and he’s like, “Whoa, girl…you crazy…” Aria tries to prove she’s sane by kissing him and he still thinks she’s crazy. He gives her some really good advice about her emotional state that involves something he learned by being a teacher. Aria is too dumb to understand the Dojo Master’s wisdom, so the Dojo Master walks into the darkness to fight crime or something.
Arson Eyebrows finds an old man to be his friend. They have so much in common, like being boring and wanting to talk about Arson’s dead mom. The old man thinks air is too heavy for some reason, so I guess he hates humidity. The old man also loves macaroons, which is supposed to be a sign that he’s crazy, but who doesn’t love macaroons. The old man lets it slip that some blonde girl who’s surrounded by high humidity is bothering–or was bothering–his mom.
Hanna’s mom can’t go into her work’s bank vault (OH! DOES SHE WORK AT A BANK?) and it’s an affront to her inner goddess. Hanna’s mom warns that this whole thing “won’t touch” her, but it already has.
Spencer Tracy’s sister is enjoying a class of white wine, which is the most normal and least crazy thing that has happened on this entire show. However, the temporary sanity is shattered when she falls for Spencer Tracy and Aria’s shenanigans.
Can we talk about how the first thing I would do if I found a creepy mask of myself would be to check to see if anyone was watching me with a camera? It just screams “Punked!: Creepy Mask Edition.” But now, Melissa fell for the shenanigans. SHENANIGANS!
Emily’s parents are drilling her about her injury, which makes sense because parents should be worried about their daughters’ health, but they seem to be more worried about Child Services and how much her college tuition will cost. So, Emily runs away into the darkness to fight crime or something…
Hanna and her discount Jacob Black are talking about murder plots and stuff when the Dowdy Cop and Adam Scott knock-off cop show up wanting to talk to Hanna’s mom. They say she’s not home, even though she is.
Melissa leads Aria and Spencer Tracy back to creepy Hector’s creep shack. Melissa leaves the cabin with a sack full of skulls or something, so Spencer Tracy follows her and finds Melissa breaking all the plaster casts of her face and Aria is left to deal with creepy Hector’s creep shack where she finds plaster casts of Allison’s face.
So, Aria confronts Hector. Hector couldn’t bear to destroy Allison’s pretty face. He also flashes back to a time where Allison stormed into his studio and demanded her money. He was very polite in the flashback. I wonder if he was being polite or if he’s polite because it’s his flashback. I’m probably much more polite in my personal recollections of events than I am in real life. He even gives Allison driving directions. She doesn’t even say “Thanks.” She just jumps into a black car being driven by someone else.
It turns out Melissa came to the cabin and made the same trade the girls did. She sold her soul for information, only she knows less than the girls do.
Spencer Tracy confronts her sister and demands answers, and her sister smartly says, “Like, answers make you any happier.” Answers would make me happier though. WHAT IS GOING ON!?!?!? They talk about the Halloween train and Creepy Mona. I miss Creepy Mona. Melissa claims she wanted to know when Allison got her mask made–if it was before or after her disappearance.
So, Melissa also is of the “Allison is alive” conspiracy club. She admits to being on a Halloween train, blah blah blah. Melissa didn’t try to kill Spencer Tracy, but Officer Wharton College who was wearing the same costume did, blah blah blah. There’s clubs and blackmail and murders, blah blah blah. There’s a fire and arson and a lady in a red coat, blah blah blah.
Intrigue has never intrigued me less.
Melissa begs Spencer Tracy to let it go and swears that she’s been protecting her, and I have three older sisters and if one of them told me the same thing, I would be like, “Okay, cool. Have fun with your murder plot. I’m going to watch old episodes of Doctor Who in my room.” Which is why I’m not someone exciting in real life.
Emily’s lesbian lover is swimming in a pool alone at night, which is a sign something terrible is going to happen to her. Someone is in the pool with her (not the swimming pool, the building). It’s not a murderer, though. It’s Emily. She unloads about how she’s worried that she’ll never swim again, but her lover is encouraging and inspiring.
Emily has the best romantic relationship on the show, which should be enough to prove gay marriage should be legal.
When they get to Emily’s house, the cops are there. Apparently, her parents were shouting too loudly and that’s bad because Pennsylvanians like it to be quiet.
Cut to Aria boiling water. Spencer Tracy laments that her sister is gone and admits that she might actually believe her sister’s crazy story. They get a text that Melissa is guilty of a lot, but she isn’t “A” material, so I guess she’s not A? Do I care who A is? I’m supposed to, right?
Before they can call Hanna and Emily, Hanna walks in. You would think with all the murders in this town that people would lock their doors. Anyway, Hanna admits that she thinks her mom killed Wharton College.
The final scene is some wet creep glueing Melissa’s mask back together.
That’s it! I still miss the parrot! For a minute, I thought I heard his beautiful screech in Hector’s cabin! I hope the parrot is behind everything!!!!
[Photo Credit: ABC Family]