This week on Pretty Little Liars was the stuff of my adolescent nightmares: scary sorority parties, college admissions, people were trapped in cars with bees, a skirt made out of ties and someone was seen with hideously shorn hair! That all said, I really quite liked it, even if my beloved parrot didn’t show up. Let’s get to it!
Hanna has a nightmare, so she runs off to her mommy. Only her mom suddenly reveals that she’s in prison garb and all her hair has been shorn off in a really unflattering way. She and Hanna both give blood curdling screams because this is another nightmare and the nightmare is that Hanna’s mom’s hair looks terrible.
Just joshing. The nightmare is that her mother is a sociopath and a murderer with terrible hair.
Spencer Tracy’s mom gives her a catalog of fancy schools that aren’t Spencer Tracy’s dream school and lays out a plan to pretty Spencer up with the help of a college pageant coach. Spencer Tracy doesn’t want to be “pimped out” to Ivy League schools, which just shows she might not be as smart as she thinks she is.
Emily’s dad is back from the army, so he wants to make her breakfast and stuff and talk to her like a dad. He gathers that she wants to go to Stanford and that they’re too poor for it. Emily’s dad says he’ll do anything he can to help her, but the music is ominous, so I assume he’s going to rob a bank or murder someone.
Back at the high school, we find out that they’re going on college visits. The girls don’t care about this because they like talking about murder plots. At some point, though, poor girl Emily hears Spencer Tracy griping about her rich girl Ivy League pimp and points out politely that most people in the world would love an opportunity for social advancement through higher learning, but this thread is dropped because the girls have a mystery to unravel.
Through an unlikely string of events, the girls realize that my beloved parrot’s phone number is based in Cicero College, one of the colleges conveniently listed in Spencer Tracy’s pimp book.
Aria follows her mom out of the school because she’s worried about her mom’s erratic behavior. I’m frankly more worried about Aria’s skirt made out of ties.
It turns out Aria’s mom is not going to be sucking weinerschnitzel in Vienna after all because Aria’s brother wants to weinerschnitzel block her.
There’s a bee in Aria’s mom’s car, which is weird, so it must either be poor writing or something is being set up. Aria leaves her mom in the car and suddenly the car fills with bees and it’s horrible and terrifying.
When we return from break, Aria tells Emily over the phone that her mom’s totally okay even though she was just attacked by a ton of bees. Emily runs into Spencer Tracy’s college pimp date and professionally flirts with him. A flirt is when you just want sex from someone. A professional flirt is when you want success from someone. Emily’s professional flirt is on point and college pimp guy happily helps her look through some books.
Hanna’s mom visits her lawyer who is Spencer Tracy’s mom. Spencer Tracy’s mom doesn’t care if she’s guilty or not, which probably means she’s a really good lawyer.
Ivy league pimp brings up the fact that Emily is of mixed race which colleges love, and Spencer Tracy finally arrives. Spencer Tracy poops on the Ivy League pimp’s idea of roadtripping to Brown (which is a great school) in favor of going to Cicero College to solve a murder.
Later, Aria confronts her brother about weinerschnitzel blocking their mom. He’s like, “You just want her in Vienna because she’s Fitzblocking you.” And there might be truth to that. Aria’s entire character is based in her wanting to bone her hot teacher.
Hanna’s mom is trying to give her a reality check about how she might not get into FIT, because honestly, have we ever seen her sew anything on this show? But that’s when Spencer Tracy’s mom calls with law news. Hanna’s mom leaves the room, but Hanna picks up the phone and listens in and hears that it’s looking REALLY BAD for her mom. Like, shorn hair bad.
Hanna calls Aria first thing in the morning and asks her if she thinks fathers who are no longer romantically involved with mothers are likely to help said mothers when said mothers are accused of stealing fathers’ guns. Basically, Hanna is worried her dad won’t lie on the stand to protect her mom from getting shorn hair.
Emily is packing for her “college visit” to Cicero, when her dad gives her a wad of cash so she can buy a purse or something, even though they can’t afford it.
Aria asks her dad to convince her mom to go to Vienna for sexy times and he’s like, “That’s insane. Bye.” Aria’s chin wobbles and her eyes tear up and her dad smiles like, “That’s so sweet. Maybe I’ll tell my ex-wife to sleep with another man for you, bb. You look like a puppy.”
Spencer Tracy and Emily go to Cicero College. Spencer is on the hunt for clues and Emily is actually interested in scholarships because Emily doesn’t have a rich family or snobbish attitude about higher learning. Ivy League pimp is clearly crushing on Emily, which will be sad for him when he discovers she’s in a relationship with a woman. Or maybe he’ll be psyched that she can use the lesbian minority angle in her applications.
Hanna breaks into her mother’s locked closet and discovers her father’s gun wrapped in a silk scarf. There’s nothing amusing about this except that the scarf is a lovely cornflower color.
Hanna takes the gun out of the closet like an idiot who wants to be embroiled in a crime investigation. She calls Spencer Tracy, but Spencer Tracy ignores her.
AND THEN HANNA DOES THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. SHE TOUCHES THE HAND GUN WITH HER HANDS THEREBY PUTTING HER PRINTS ALL OVER A MURDER WEAPON.
I am done with Hanna.
Spencer Tracy tries to speak nerd to an information booth kid to get the lowdown on the phone number. He points out she has crazy eyes and assumes she’s after an ex-boyfriend, but then he feels bad, so he lets her know the number is on Greek Row. Spencer Tracy then drops serious “A Song of Ice And Fire” nerd cred* on the kid’s ass when he implies once more that her search must be tied to an ex-boyfriend because all girls must care about is boys.
Aria’s parents are having coffee or drinks or whatever. They talk about the big bandage on her neck and how she should get laid in Europe.
*And yes, that’s me dropping my own “A Song of Ice And Fire” nerd cred, because that’s what the series is really called. It’s not called Game of Thrones! That’s just the TV show and first book’s name.
Spencer Tracy and Emily are going to a sorority party, and Emily is worried she looks too slutty and Spencer Tracy is like, “SLUT IT UP, BITCH! GET DRUNK! SOLVE MYSTERIES!”
Emily has to explain that she’s actually there for a scholarship and Spencer Tracy calls her out on a professional flirt, so Emily calls Spencer Tracy out on being an entitled snob. The most annoying group of girls ever assembled comes out on the porch steps and start singing about God.
Hanna is trying to sneak out of the house with her mom’s gun and gives her mom some lie about going to Cicero College. Her mom is cool with it, but worried, and would be more worried if she knew Hanna put her prints all over a murder weapon.
I. AM. DONE. WITH. HANNA.
Emily is talking to a sorority girl about joining the club and it’s all business until she notices a creepy (I think) Maori mask and a paddle carved with names of the damned. Emily gets a tale about an evil ex-sorority head. Meanwhile, Spencer Tracy is grilling everyone on the party about whether or not they’ve seen Allison or not. She shows them a photo and acts like a gruff Law & Order cop.
Ivy League pimp is in his Ivy League casual wear and finds Emily at the party. This does not bode well for his heart…
Hanna finds Spencer Tracy and shows her the gun. Spencer Tracy is like, “WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB?!?!?” Spencer Tracy suggests that they return the gun to Hanna’s dad. She has to find Emily, which sends her upstairs alone. Two drunk girls conveniently shove her into a wall that’s revealed to be a secret door.
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?!?!?
Spencer enters a creepy unfinished space and discovers a weird lair that has a pink phone. She calls Aria on the phone and it turns out it’s the parrot’s phone number.
Spencer Tracy and Aria try to logically explain what the deal with the phone in the creepy room is, but they can’t because nothing in his show is logical.
Some frat boys spill snacks on Hanna, which is an accurate depiction of college party life. Hanna sees an empty mug and leaves with it.
Emily sees Hanna leave the party and leaves Ivy League pimp to huff and puff and follow her. He wants to hold her hand in a 1960s way and Emily explains she’s a lesbian. Like an actual good guy, Ivy League pimp offers to help because frat parties are dangerous for all girls, especially gorgeous lesbians sneaking around in unfamiliar woods.
Spencer Tracy realizes she’s lost both of her friends and we cut to Emily walking around alone in the dark woods behind a frat party. Spencer walks worriedly through the outdoor crowd looking for her friends. I’m wondering why they don’t stay in a safe place and text each other where they are.
Someone hears Emily’s calls for Hanna and she calls out to the person following her. A frat boy jumps out of the trees and terrifies Emily. He sprays silly string on her, which isn’t actually what frat boys usually spray on young women alone in the woods.
Emily and Spencer Tracy find each other and move to find Hanna. Unfortunately, dumb Hanna gets arrested by cops as she’s trying to bury the murder weapon.
HANNA IS THE DUMBEST.
The girls get a text from A that suggests Hanna and her mom can share a lawyer.
The final scene is someone wearing gloves while they make tea and stare longingly at a dust covered photo of the creepy sorority mom.
I still miss the parrot.
[Photo Credit: ABC Family & ReactionGifs.com]