Pretty Little Liars: “Under The Gun” Or Hanna Has 99 Problems But Her Manicure Ain’t One

Hello! It’s another week of Pretty Little Liars and it’s another week of me not knowing what’s going on. That said, I do know that Hanna is dumb, but has great taste in nail polish, though. I also know that my interest in this show is based largely on how much a parrot named Tippy gets featured and today, Tippy the Parrot was only mentioned in passing, so this was not one of my favorites. My favorite Pretty Little Liars episode would be just 45 minutes of Tippy singing in a dojo, but we can’t always get what we want.

Let’s do this!

We open on Dowdy Cop making a cup of coffee while she interrogates dumb Hanna. Dowdy Cop is smart and can tell that Hanna, while dumb, is dumbly loyal and that she’s covering up for someone else. Hanna’s bail gets paid and when she’s leaving the police station, she runs into her dad, but he’s not there to be supportive. He’s there because they’re testing his gun to see if it’s the Officer Wharton College murder weapon (which, come on, it is).

Later, Hanna is talking to Emily on the phone and Emily suggests that maybe because A is blackmailing them and they have proof of that blackmail, that maybe they should tell the cops about how they’ve been blackmailed and extorted and set up for years, but because that’s smart, Hanna says no.

Emily is met in the locker room by that studious girl who swims at another school, only now she’s a student at Rosewood. She joined their swim team to steal Emily’s scholarship. The music is ominous as the girl picks up a poster for an “Open Mic Night” and as Emily snatches it away.

Head’s up, guys: you can’t compete for or win a scholarship at open mics. You only win pain.

They’re all thinking, “Dang, Creepy Mona looks good.” Or, “Dang, Creepy Mona might be the moral compass of this show.”

Hanna’s dad confronts her about her dumb choices and discovers that Hanna’s mom is probably a murderer. Hanna’s dad then tells her to turn off the phone, which is probably a good idea, but Hanna is dumb. So Hanna keeps her phone on and receives a text that makes her scared.

Spencer Tracy and Aria are at the coffee shop talking about what a bummer it is that Hanna got arrested. Emily comes and explains why we dislike the studious girl. Apparently she tried to light them on fire. That’s a good reason to dislike someone. A couple of female names are bandied about and I have no idea what’s going on.

WHERE’S THE PARROT?

Aria sees a cute boy she can flirt with and then eventually destroy fumbling with dishes and begins to seduce him while Spencer Tracy and Emily apologize to each other for being mean to each other at the sorority party last week.

Hanna and her parents have a family powwow about how Hanna’s mom is probably a murderer. She claims that she is being set up and her parents are like, “WHO WOULD SET US UP??” And as Hanna contemplates telling the truth, we see that her text from A implies that if she outs A, both parents will get the blame for the murder.

Back at the coffee shop, Creepy Mona shows up and looks great. The girls hate this. She confronts them about how Arson Eyebrows stole her RV, and honestly, everything Creepy Mona says makes sense and she has every right to be angry and to look fabulous.

Cheer up, Spencer Tracy. Yes, everyone hates you and you’re a failure, but c’mon…THOSE SLEEVES.

Aria and Emily are discussing that even though they dislike Mona, the RV might be important to helping Hanna. That’s when Hanna calls and lets them know that if they try to help clear things up, A nails them all. She hangs up. Aria and Emily secretly decide to go against Hanna’s wishes for the sake of dramatic storytelling.

Hanna walks in on her parents fighting, but it’s not about emotions or fidelity, but about how her mom asked her dad for money, and instead stole his gun. Oh. So, her mom did take the gun. Hanna’s mom lies a lot, huh?

Discount Jacob Black shows up because he’s worried about Hanna’s emotional well being, which is nice of him, and he’s promptly sent away.

Spencer Tracy tries to tell Arson Eyebrows that they should stop lying about why he gave A the RV. There’s some mopey talk about Arson’s dead mom and I don’t care. Spencer Tracy’s sleeves are great.

At Aria’s house, she’s “helping” the cute boy with his English paper. He’s kind of an idiot, which means it will be all too easy for Aria to destroy him.

Emily shows up at Hanna’s house under the guise of helping her with “homework.” Instead, they just use big words to talk about their problems. Emily convinces Hanna to give her the hard drive with dashcam footage of Hanna’s mom hitting Officer Wharton College with a car because the footage also show Shauna and someone named Jenna carried Wharton College away into the darkness.

I’ve lost the ability to follow what’s happening on this show.

WHERE’S MY BELOVED PARROT?

The moment wherein Aria discovers she’s only attracted to men who are older than her and unavailable.

Aria finishes helping the puppy faced boy with his paper and he gets the courage to ask her on a date, which she pretends not to understand. Then, he kisses her and she recoils. He walks out of the house, into the darkness and into despair. Aria smiles inwardly for she has destroyed another young soul.

Emily posts a flyer for the Open Mic night in the police station and drops a CD-ROM with a post-it that says it has the key to the Wharton College case. But I think it’s secretly Emily’s poetry slam recordings…

At Hanna’s home, her parents are distraught. Her mom almost burns the house down. Her dad’s worried his gun’s a murder weapon. You know, just family things.

Spencer Tracy needs Emily to know that she’s not a horrible person and that she did something good. She figured out that the person A was calling at the sorority house was probably Old Woman Grindelwald. Emily is unimpressed and tired of Spencer Tracy’s wild goose chases.

Emily is left alone and she hears a beautiful song in the hall…’tis Shauna playing the violin.

Aria’s brother accosts her for seducing and sleeping with his puppy faced friend. Aria is confused because she thought she destroyed his soul. It turns out, puppy faced boy is a FIEND! He’s telling boys in the locker room about what a slut Aria is. Aria actually holds her own and lays down the law in the boys’ locker room, but then Puppy Boy implies that she slept with her hot English teacher. The only problem with this accusation is it’s true and that hot English teacher is suddenly behind her overhearing it.

What do you listen to on a road trip to Creepsville? Bieber B-sides?

Aria is getting creepy texts from boys and Fitz shows up trying to make her feel better. She’s like, “Dude, you’re my teacher and this is an unhealthy relationship and you shouldn’t go out of your way to become emotionally involved.” Only it sounds more like, “Ew! Get away from me.”

Spencer Tracy takes Arson Eyebrows to hang with Old Woman Grindelwald. She lives in a place time forgot. Everything looks black and white and there are old cars. Arson Eyebrows wants to leave, so they do.

Well, that was all very weird.

Emily wants to join forces with Creepy Mona, because she knows things. Creepy Mona warns against getting too involved because A could nail them all.

Spencer Tracy and Arson Eyebrows arrive at a fancy manor with a creepy groundsman who grumbles about “the master of the house.” He’s so creepy he still carries a flip phone. Spencer Tracy and Arson Eyebrows argue back in the town that time forgot about food and blood sugar. It’s cute. It’s like real couples. Then, Spencer Tracy sees Old Woman Grindelwald getting her hair did.

The game is on!

OLD WOMAN GRINDELWALD.

Spencer Tracy interrogates Old Woman Grindelwald while Arson Eyebrows looks at old photographs. Old Woman Grindelwald acts the fool and then puts one of those brain frying hair dressers over her head.

The game is over!

Aria is crying in bed and her brother comes in to apologize to her for not defending her honor. He claims that he’s going to make it up to her. Promises always go wrong on this show…

Hanna and her dad have a moment where they talk about ice skating and nostalgia and how you can never be innocent again. Hanna finally admits she’s a flailing idiot.

Arson Eyebrows suggests to Spencer Tracy that maybe she shouldn’t base an entire theory on a parrot’s birdsong. He then goes to get a burger, but Spencer Tracy is thin, angry and sinewy. She only feeds on kale and the truth.

Suddenly, a haunting chorus is being played throughout the town. Spencer Tracy follows it to a congregation of creepy townsfolk gathered around an angel statue holding some pansies. One of the creepy townsfolk is Shauna. She’s getting into Jenna’s car. Arson Eyebrows and Spencer Tracy get into the car to follow, but are stymied when a raven falls dead from the sky onto the windshield. I guess it’s supposed to be a sign. Maybe it’s a sign that birds die sometimes?

I DON’T WANT MY BELOVED PARROT TO DIE.

Emily looks good as a mask.

Open mic night!!!!!

A boy whines at the pianos and Emily gives Aria chocolate to soothe her pain. Spencer Tracy joins them and lets them know about the creepy town and stuff.

The dowdy detective arrives because she saw Emily’s flyer. Also, she’s there because she wants to interrogate Emily.

Whoa-ho-ho! It looks like A switched the CD-ROM that Emily left with a different CD-ROM with a video of someone wearing the Emily mask that the creepy dude a few weeks ago made and that person is holding a sign saying, “Guilty.”

Back at the open mic, Shauna plays her beautiful violin music while Fitz looks on at Aria from outside. Then, a male wearing a hoodie vandalizes lying puppy face boy’s car, but lying puppy face boy doesn’t catch him in time.

Oh, and Hanna’s mom is arrested. Her fingerprints were on the bullets of the gun and yes, the gun shot Officer Wharton College.

The final scene is just of someone wearing an Emily mask stealing a car.

I really, really, really miss the parrot.

[Photo Credit: ABC Family]

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