The Kardashians are undergoing a media blackout until the premiere of Keeping Up with the Kardashians season 10. With reports of Bruce Jenner’s transition, the family allegedly wants to unveil all information on their own terms — which includes their primetime reality series and an upcoming docu-series on Bruce. Of course, hiding from the media for weeks or months will only create more intrigue. Genius.
Thinking about an indefinite amount of time without a fresh Kim K. soundbite is almost impossible, since she’s been a part of the zeitgeist for over eight years. We’ve grown accustomed to her face, expect her selfies, and actually look forward to hearing other celebrities react to her. But what if she was never a part of it in the first place? Would the Internet still exist if the Kardashian family didn’t?
Here’s how things would be different if we never started keeping up with reality television’s first family to begin with:
Jennifer Lopez’s butt would still be considered big.
Kim’s big booty paved the way for the bootiful (forgive me) 2014 — a year that Beyonce, Iggy Azalea, and Nicki Minaj put their behinds front and center. Despite all the hype, J.Lo admits that her assets are much smaller than what’s popular today. “My is relatively smaller compared to [them],” Lopez told Watch What Happens Live last month. “It’s small potatoes compared to this Instagram business.”
Paris Hilton would be a superstar.
Paris wrote the book on how to become famous without any talent. A bicoastal socialite, she broke through in the early aughts by partying with fellow pretty people and saying things like “That’s hot.” In a Shakespearean twist, Kim (once her assistant), surpassed her, leaving Paris to survive on a diet of DJ gigs and pubescent boyfriends. If Kim didn’t exist, it’s likely Paris would be the one with a reality TV empire, Vogue cover, and musical husband.
E! would become a non-factor
Primarily known for their red carpet coverage, E!’s biggest mark in the world of reality television has been Keeping Up with the Kardashians. The show has birthed multiple spinoffs since its 2007 premiere, and largely impacted E!’s expanded lineup of reality television (which now includes Total Divas, Rich Kids of Beverly Hills, and Botched). Without the Kardashians, the network would largely be relegated to celebrity news and gossip. Not a bad thing, just different.
Ryan Seacrest would be on food stamps
Seacrest is the executive produce of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and has eaten off the family’s success over the last eight years. Without them, he wouldn’t be buying $49 million houses. (We all know American Idol isn’t what it used to be.)
Watch Big Morning Buzz Live’s Nick Lachey pay tribute to Kris Jenner.
Farrah Abraham would only be known for Teen Mom
Before her sex tape with then-boyfriend Ray J, Kim was virtually unknown, save for the Los Angeles party scene and Paris Hilton Getty photos. She used her scandal to become a star, launching a brand that would ultimately include her entire family. Without her blazing the trail, forgettable reality stars would never be able to extend their 15 minutes by taping themselves having sex.
Kanye West would still be drunk on red carpets, married to Amber Rose.
Yes, Kanye made headlines at this year’s Grammys, but his behavior was subdued compared to the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards. On that now-infamous night, Yeezy walked the carpet with girlfriend Amber Rose — the mysterious It Girl every hip-hop head wanted to bang — and bottle of Hennessey in hand. Today, as husband to Kim, he’s thinking about his daughter North before he rushes the stage and crashes someone else’s big moment. (But he will joke about it.)
Also, if Kanye, a self-proclaimed god, wasn’t associated with a perceived fame-hungry family and weekly tabloid rumors, the majority of the recent criticism would disappear. People would see Kanye as the genius he really is (albeit one who likes to rant)… and like him again.
Duck face wouldn’t be a thing.
Beloved by reality stars and drunk college girls, Kim K’s obsession with the cheek-bone enhancing pose has been well-documented over the years. Without her continuous posts, how would we know what obnoxious face to make in front of the Statue of Liberty?
Tyga would simply be a subpar rapper
Instead of the rumored older guy who’s romancing the very underage Kylie Jenner and has drama with his baby mama Blac Chyna.
We’d all spend less time and money on our makeup.
The Kardashians brought contouring, the elaborate process of creating facial definition through makeup, to the forefront with their flawless looks and tutorials. “I think, if done right, it’s definitely something everyone can benefit from,” Kim told Refinery29 last year. The process can change the look of someone’s face in minutes — it’s basically magic — and requires an arsenal of products, a steady hand, and patience, all before heading out the door.
Women wouldn’t be wearing corsets.
Kim and Khloe helped popularize “waist training” last year, thanks to multiple Instagram posts shouting out their favorite brand. The fad has spawned media coverage and more women than we’d like to count cinching their bodies to the point of no return.
We’d still be skeptical of momagers.
Say what you want about Kris Jenner, the mom, but Kris Jenner, the manager, has helped build Kim Kardashian into an empire. Historically, mixing business and family doesn’t end well (Michael Jackson, anyone?), with multiple young stars firing mom or dad, and emancipating themselves before they turn 18. But Jenner has proven that momagers can get shit done without overwhelming dysfunction (that we know of).
Champagne sales would only spike around New Year’sWe can’t be the only ones who tried to test this out for ourselves.
[Photo Credit: Getty Images, Ryan Williams/VH1]