It is the most wonderful time of the year. That is, if you are a Jesus enthusiast, or at the very least, down to turn up for him and capitalism. Whatever the case, I am feeling quite festive – please hear that in Mariah Carey’s voice – and in honor of big day looming, here is my grownup Christmas list for you some of your favorite stars. They’re welcome. As our you.
R. Kelly: a reality check.
Since I can’t channel Judge Whoever on TV and present to the Pied Piper, a pair of silver handcuffs and an orange jumpsuit, I will be kind enough to hand this man a clue. If you watched his interview with Huffington Post Live, you are well aware of him being in desperate need of one. Pissy as I not so affectionately call him, seems to still operate from the space that it’s the 1990s or even 2003 in that he cannot be challenged for past allegations of the sexual abuse of underaged girls. Today is a new day, though, beloved, and unless you want to defend yourself properly, you best crawl under a rock. No one is going to remain silent now.
Ariana Grande: enunciation.
Ariana Grande knew there was an underserved consumer base who wanted Christmas sex songs you can also bop to. For this reason alone we must protect Ponytail at all costs. That aside, I still can’t always make out what in the hell she is saying. I say this as a fan: you can channel Mariah Carey’s high notes or Toni Braxton’s penchant for mumbling, but you can’t have both. To quote my girl Charlotte, “Pick a side and stay there.” Personally, I lean towards Mimi (but I love you, Toni).
Frank Ocean: a calendar.
Black man, you told the world that your sophomore album would come out in July. It’s December, therefore this isn’t even CP time; it’s oh, I couldn’t give even a smidgen of a damn about your feelings. Even Adele is calling you out, sir. Stop making us suffer.
Rihanna: an album release date.
I’m quite sick of this s**t, tbh.
SWV: a new reality show.
I am quite upset about about the cancellation of their WeTV series. It was like watching every strain of black auntie. Seriously, it was riveting television.
Miles and Milan: closure.
Because their storyline and the post-season interviews that followed were a lot.
Steve Harvey: spellcheck.
Bruh. Not only did you goof (to say the least) with your Miss Universe hosting duties, you proceeded to misspell Colombia and the Philippines in your apology tweet. Bruh. You are too rich for that.
Kris Jenner: nicer, more appreciative children.
They can be so mean to her on their reality show that airs all damn day, everyday on E! I’m available for adoption, sis. My mom will deal.
Martin O’Malley: something to do.
The Democratic presidential candidate presently in a distant third place in a three way race, recently claimed the text could turn on a dime. Doubtful, and if it did, it would for Bernie Sanders. Instead of wasting time and raising debt, he should go model for Old Spice. He’s very older bae — for a politician anyway.
Rob Kardashian: his old body.
This is more of a gift to me, but it’s the thought that counts. Hope you’re happier in 2016, former sexiest Kardashian.
Brandy: studio time.
I wish her well with the new show, but does she remember she used to be a singer?
Meek Mill: better life choices.
Do I need to explain this?
Drake: a number one single on the Hot 100.
Adele should actually be the one to give him this by hopping on a “Hotline Bling” remix, but I want this for Aubrey, especially after he made it so clear he wants this.
Tinashe: another big hit.
I feel like she may have this with “Player,” but I want the most for Tinashe because she’s so good.
Ciara and Russell Wilson: lube, condoms, a bed and time.