It’s been a rough summer. After a very public family feud, the cracks within the otherwise perfect lives of Beyoncé and Jay Z are beginning to show. Because the gossip won’t stop, we’ve been forced to address these divorce and infidelity rumors head on. Is all well in the Carter kingdom? We hope so.
Before you start hysterically crying at your desk, let’s explore all the reasons why Shawn Carter wouldn’t stray from his wife of six years.
He loves her.If we’re to believe 12 years of adorable courtside appearances, live performances, Instagram photos, On The Run banter, and Grammy Award acceptance speeches like this: “I want to thank God, I mean, a little for this award, but mostly for that and all the universes for conspiring and putting that beautiful light of a young woman in my life.”
The women in her life.This May we learned what Solange looks like when she’s angry — and that she’s not afraid to share her feelings with her brother-in-law. But if there ever was a predecessor to bad bitches like Rihanna and Joseline Hernandez, it’s definitely Miss Tina Knowles. Would you want to make her mad?
He’d lose the best hook singer he’s ever worked with.
Together Bey and Jay have amassed over 10 musical collaborations, including songs like “Drunk in Love,” which we still can’t stop referencing via emoji. On the road this summer, she’s stepped in to help out with “Holy Grail” and “Young Forever,” arguably sounding better than Hov’s original collaborators. (Sorry, JT and Mr. Hudson.) Just thinking about a potential break-up makes a classic summer jam like “Crazy in Love” unlistenable. If it’s true, don’t even think about singing the hook to “’03 Bonnie and Clyde” in concert again, Jay. You lost that right.
He’d no longer be welcome in the state of Texas.While a philandering Jay probably wouldn’t be welcome most places, Hov would most definitely be persecuted in Texas. Beyoncé is the most famous thing to come from the Lonestar State since breakfast tacos. She proudly name-checked her hometown of Houston throughout her last album, and uses Instagram to prove cowboy couture can be chic. Everything is better in Texas, including the grudges they hold against someone who’s done one of their daughters wrong.
He wouldn’t get invites from the Obamas anymore.Jay Z has posed for photos with Obama and hosted fundraisers at the 40/40 Club, but it’s Beyoncé who has the upper hand in this political friendship. She sang for the First Couple during the 2009 and 2013 inauguration weekends, and famously dropped in on unsuspecting kids for Michelle’s “Let’s Move” campaign.
He’s old.Consistently touring and using popular-with-the-kids abbreviations like “cray” and “obvi” masks the fact that Jay is middle-aged. He looks good — a credit to his 22 days vegan experiment? — and we live in a culture where older men often date younger women. But don’t pretend like you didn’t notice Hov taking a lot more water breaks during On The Run (and Legends of the Summer, if we’re honest) than his co-headliners.
Money.On The Run has already raked in millions. Why destroy the potential for another lucrative tour?
If you believe Hov is intertwined with the mysterious devil-worshippers, imagine what they’ll do to him if he does Bey wrong.
Beyoncé has hours of his life on tape.Last year we learned that Bey has employed a “visual director” to document her life since 2005. Jay has been with her since ’02, so who knows what kind of compromising media she’d unleash if scorned.
Her social media influence.Between Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, and Instagram, Bey’s constant stream of curated updates far surpasses Hov’s Internet reach. Destiny’s Child may have said they’d never “diss you on the Internet,” but cheating would probably call for a reassessment of those lyrics.
He’d never be able to go surfing again and enjoy it.Other venues/activities he’d ruin for himself: the kitchen, the foyer, breakfast.
Who else would put sunblock on his back?After 12 years, Bey knows all the spots that need extra attention.
Who else can buy him an entire plane?Gift-giving is yet another practice Beyoncé excels at.
She’s the mother of his child.We all saw Jay’s reaction to Beyoncé’s adorable pregnancy announcement at the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards. Recording and releasing a song dedicated to their newborn (“Glory”), days after her birth just reiterates how excited he is to be a dad.
The BIC.How could he break Blue’s little heart?
He’d be a hypocrite.On Watch The Throne’s “New Day,” Jay and Kanye preach wisdom to their future children. Among Jay’s advice: “When you speak it, give your word, keep it.” A word is the same as a vow, right?
Her butt.They don’t make them all like that. Trust us.
They’re real, and they’re even more terrifying than Saturday Night Live made them out to be.
She’s the queen.Utterly ***flawless until the end of time. While she obviously wouldn’t have any trouble finding a suitor if they split, would you want to be the woman who dates Jay after Beyoncé? NOPE. Watch as the singer discusses what music means to her in a vintage clip from the red carpet of the Pink Panther premiere. Even back then — still flawless.
[Photo Credit: iam.beyonce.com]