Pop

We Need to Have a Serious Chat About Jason Derulo

This sex god got me pregnant during his Billboard Hot 100 Fest performance. And I'm a dude.

My body was not ready for Jason Derulo’s performance at Billboard’s first-ever Hot 100 Fest in Jones Beach, New York on Saturday. In fact, it’s still recovering.

I’m not an idiot. Jason’s attractiveness is nothing new—have you seen the cover of his Talk Dirty (2014) album?—nor is his sheer number of Billboard hits. However, seeing this man live was a religious experience. It’s been over 12 hours since his set, and the need to be doused in holy water to cool off is still very, very real. Where you at, Jesus?

This man is a live performance sex god—which is brand new information to me, apparently. Maybe it was the fact he executed his intricate choreography with the clinical precision of Michael Jackson but the thrusting swagger of Usher? Maybe it was his jaw-to-the-floor killer vocals that caused mass orgasms with every high note? Or maybe it was him ripping off his shirt mid-performance to reveal a glistening, angel-carved set of abs?! Either way, I was Hot 100 percent with child by the end of Mr. Derulo’s performance—and I’m a dude.

The show was a tour-de-force display of Olympic-like stamina that deserves total praise. From his intro “In My Head” to the finale—he taught the crowd the signature dance move for his upcoming song “Pull Up”—Jason did not stop dancing. And not just phoned-in body shakes: He threw his body across the stage effortlessly, executing a sea of dizzying jumps and high-kicks akin to Gene Kelly or Fred Astaire. Except, you know, Jason sang about “big fat butts.” Nothing wrong with that.

Perhaps even more impressive was the fact Jason appeared to be singing completely live despite exasperated choreography that justified lip-syncing. He was totally raw but still sounded pitch effing perfect. Sir Derulo joins a dwindling number of pop stars who can deliver cat-like dance moves and sound fantastic simultaneously. Not an easy feat.

And his bubbling sexual magnetism came literally out of left field. (Listen, six-pack abs don’t always equate to an urge to rip off someone’s clothes. Isn’t that right, Justin Bieber?) Jason was a smooth ninja last night. He would polish off a sequence of razor-sharp dancing, but then sprinkle in a blink-or-you-missed-it air-hump for good measure. Did you just see that? Are we all pregnant now? Yup.

He made a nod to his hotness, too—well, kinda. Before diving into his mega-smash “Ridin’ Solo” (2009), Jason asked how many women in the audience had significant others. After getting an answer, he smiled and cheekily said, “I bet you by the end of this song, you’ll be riding solo.” Many hearts were broken that night, probably. (But libidos skyrocketed, and isn’t that what’s most important?)

Cynical trolls who deem pop music a cultural wasteland bereft of any actual talent need to gaze longingly at Jason Derulo’s biceps. This king can dance, sing and leave you breathless and star-fished on the floor with one swing of his hips. Now that’s a GD show.

MTV

Blessed and aroused, tbh.