The Totally Non-Sports-Related Awards We’d Give Out at the ESPYs

And the "most hung athlete" award goes to....

Every year since 1993, ESPN, the “Worldwide Leader in Sports” (and naked photos of athletes), has broadcast its awards show extravaganza, The ESPYs. If you’re like us and don’t watch sports (sorry, Dad), you’ll probably be tuning in for the first time to see Caitlyn Jenner receive the “Arthur Ashe Courage Award” and look glam as hell while doing it.

But the rest of the awards? Best game? Best play? Unless we’re talking about hookups, living that trainwreck life, we haven’t a clue. What we do know is that athletes are hot AF and also say and do entertaining things, and they deserve to be recognized for it. That’s why we’re giving out the non-sports-related awards that ESPN won’t, because, really, what’s more important: who had the best championship performance, or who’s most likely to impregnate you?

  • The “Shirtless Torso That Will Impregnate You” Award

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    The Washington Nationals’ Bryce Harper gave a new meaning to “rub some dirt on it” on this year’s Body Issue.

  • The “Most Likely to Get You Pregnant IRL” Award

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    Whoops! Antonio Cromartie of the NY Jets looks at you and the next thing you know you’re preg. His 12 kids are proof of this. It happens, sometimes through the TV screen.

  • The “Selfie Game That Puts Kim K. to Shame” Award

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    This year, and always, it’s Carmelo Anthony. Here he is thinking hard, probably about how rich he is. When he’s not doing that, he’s enjoying a nice cigar or taking flight on a private jet. Thinking about how rich he is.

  • The “Biggest Thirst Trapper” Award

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    We can’t even say the name Cristiano Ronaldo because he leaves us so parched. Can someone pass a glass gallon of water, please?

  • The “Also Looks Good with Clothes On” Award

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    Jets wide receiver Eric Decker can get it on and off the field. His wife Jessie James is constantly pregnant and we don’t blame her or her uterus.

  • The “Most Famous Sports Package” Award

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    Nope, not DirecTV. This year clearly belonged to LeBron and his penis.

  • The “Most Likely to Wife Up a Kardashian” Award

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    Based in California? Check. Just accomplished enough for the Kardashian-Jenners to welcome him with open arms? Always in some drama? Check. DeMarcus “Boogie” Cousins ticks all the boxes. Producers are salivating just thinking about the looks of disgust the family will shoot at the bumpkin city of Sacramento while visiting Boogie and using their pull to get him traded to the Lakers, where Kourtney will be waiting.

  • The “Most Likely to Make a Random Empire Cameo” Award

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    LeBron James acted HARD in Trainwreck, so why not keep the momentum going by diversifying his repertoire? We smell an Oscar.

  • The “Most Likely to Be Litchfield’s Next Inmate Bae” Award

    Not only is Olympian Amanda Bingson DTS (down to strip) for the cameras, she’s also a badass and Big Boo’s star-crossed lover. It’s meant to be.

  • The “Most Likely to Be Litchfield’s Next Prison Guard Bae” Award

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    From that stance alone, the Clippers’ Lance Stephenson is perfect Litchfield material. This hot mess started shit with LeBron, so you know he’d have no problem putting the Litchfield ladies in their place, AKA the broom closet, where he’ll be blowing in their ears.

  • The “Athlete Who Needed Their Own Reality Show, Like, Yesterday” Award

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    This goes to the Patriots’ Rob Gronkowski, known as Gronk, because, well, he’s batshit crazy. When asked why he parties so hard, he said: “Because I’m a baller.” Killed it.

  • The “Taylor Swift’s Next Squad Member” Award

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    You know T-Swift’s hunt never sleeps, and we think 27-year-old Olympian Chantae McMillan’s badassness yet good girl-ness will make her a phenom addition to the gang.

  • The “Relationship Goals” Award

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    Stephen and Ayesha Curry are it for us. Throw their adorable daughter in the mix and it’s just wow.

  • The “Athlete Offspring Who’s Cooler Than Any of Us” Award

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    Speaking of Riley Curry, she was MVP of the NBA, sports, and life this year. A real game-changer for sports babies to come.

  • The “Post-Event Interview That Really Changed Us” Award

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    Athletes say the darnedest things. But after beating Manny Pacquiao this year, Floyd Mayweather enlightened us most when he said, “I don’t wanna be greedy, it’s young lions and young fighters on the rise that need to fight for a title to put them at a certain level.” …What?

  • The “Next to Make a Sex Tape (We Desperately Hope)” Award

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    This is skier Bobby Brown’s calling. He’s hot enough for us to enjoy it and young enough to redeem himself. You already live on the edge, Bobby, just do it.

Pizza is bae. And yes, I still say bae.
@taylorferber