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Let's All Agree To Stop Doing Acoustic Covers Of Hip Hop Songs

The hipsters must be stopped.

-by Michael Arceneaux

Whenever I am sent an acoustic cover of a rap song, I ask each person the same question: “Do you hate me?” When they say no, I confidently tell them that they’re lying. They have to be. Why else would any person do such a thing?

While I know that such covers have long been a thing, I have never wavered on my biggest complaint: they tend to suck. They are soulless. It’s like taking a succulent piece of chicken and placing it under a faucet of cold water and rinsing out all of the magical flavors that make it such a delightful dish. In some rare occasions, they can work (like a fusion restaurant), but those are the exceptions rather than the rule.

For the most part, they’re not particularly good and grossly unnecessary. Why does anyone need a hipster coffee shop remix of “Trap Queen?”

And “No Scrubs.”

And “Move Bitch.”

And “Get Low.”

And “Super Bass,” which was pop enough, y’all.

And any other song you can think of. On one end, I’m all for artistic expression, the First Amendment, blah-blah freedom. However, there’s also the idea of knowing when to leave well enough alone.

Like right here. He has a nice voice. Sing something else. Or rap.

Recently, Beyoncé allowed Ed Sheeran to join her on stage for a cover of “Drunk In Love.” I try not to ever question a deity, but I did not enjoy that. You can't stripper kick to an acoustic cover of “Drunk In Love.” Stripper kicking to that song is what makes it so damn magical. I’m assuming Beyoncé was in a very good mood that night or was asked to tone it down for the Global Citizens crowd. Whatever the case, I hope it never happens again.

Unfortunately, I know this practice won’t stop. We’re stuck with it like a herpes infection or the Kardashians. Even so, THE SONGS STILL STUCK AND I HATE THEM SO VERY MUCH. Yes, I am screaming that back at you. If you’re listening to these covers and actually enjoying those mundane, blasé recreations, you could use the energy.

Boo, hiss.