Nicki Minaj Allegedly Once Stabbed a Girl With a Fork at a Sleepover and Honestly, It Just Gets Crazier From There

Don't worry, I'm on the case.

In the criminal justice system, fork-based offenses are considered especially heinous. On the Internet, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Kitchen Victims Unit. These are their stories.


Welcome to the first and last episode of Law & Order: Kitchen Victims Unit. Here's what we know:

When Nicki Minaj was still just Onika Tanya Maraj, a girl from Jamaica, Queens, she attended a sleepover. She was just eleven years old when her first fork-based offense occurred.

Nicki confessed to "beatin da shit out this girl who was pickin on me!" It was a clear cut case of self defense. Most people know better than to mess with Nicki. But now, 23 years later (I did that math on a calculator like a real detective) her victim is coming forward with brand new facts.

It turns out, Nicki left out one crucial fact: She didn't just "beat da shit out this girl," she allegedly stabbed the girl, Dameka, in the leg with a fork.

Fans were quick to come to Nicki's defense. For them, the statute of limitations on fork-stabbings has past.

But Dameka insists she did nothing wrong:

And that she needs to take some time to pray over all of the media attention she is getting.

But then came the fork tweets. That's right, Dameka has been getting private messages of forks, and honestly it's too much for this investigative journalist to handle.

Here are just a few:

Can Nicki escape her fork-filled past? Has she rejoined society and committed herself to using only plastic cutlery so that she won't be tempted to strike again? We'll have to stay tuned to find out, but until then, if I get stabbed with a fork: Onika did it.

Speaking of Nicki's feuds, there may or may not be subtle shade thrown out when Remy Ma is asked to guess the next lyric to the song "Anaconda."