A few weeks back, I posed a very serious question: why do so many people have a problem with Nickelback? Over the past few weeks I did some hardcore googling into their back catalogue and I think I have the answer: the lyrics are kind of creepy.
A little more than "kind of," now that I think of it. Chad Kroeger, you're a strange creature. How—just how—did you come up with some of these god-awful words?!
Not only are they bad, but they sound like they came straight from a horny 18-year-old boy's mind. Seriously, where's the sophistication? Where's the class? All that we have here is misogyny—gross, tone-deaf misogyny that is particularly cringe-worthy in 2015. Don't believe us? We have seven of the highlights (or lowlights) right here.
Lyric: "It's hard to steer when you're breathing in my ear/But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears."
Why it's whack: I'm confused why women in Nickelback's lyrics have to get sexual the second they enter a scene. They're capable of more than playing with your gears, Chad.
"Something In Your Mouth"
Lyric: "You're so much cooler when you never pull it out/'Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth."
Why it's whack: OK, Nickelback: So, women are more appealing to you when they can't talk? That's what you're saying right now. If it's not, please offer an explanation. I'd love to hear it.
Lyric: "(Yes) sex is always the answer, it's never a question/ Cause the answer's yes, oh the answer's (yes)/Not just a suggestion, if you ask the question/Then it's always yes, yeah!" Why it's whack: "Yes" isn't always the answer to sex. Sometimes it's "no," and that's fine.
Lyric: "Lay that body on the bar and put that salt on her hips/I was lyin' when I told her that I'm only gonna lick her tonight!"
Why it's whack: You're actually depicting treating a woman like an object. And if she doesn't want to get licked, don't lick her. In Nickelback's world, women seem to be DTF whenever, wherever.
"Everything I Wanna Do"
Lyric: "She'll do any naughty thing I want/My baby she's up for anything I wanna do." Honorable mention: "You and me, sitting in a tree/F-U-C-K-I-N-G."
Why it's whack: Again, why the graphic, aggressive sexual context? Why can't women just exist in these narratives without having to fornicate? Nickelback's one-dimensional view of women is both reductive and tiresome.
"Figured You Out"
Lyric: "I like your pants around your feet/And I like the dirt that's on your knees/And I like the way you still say please/While you're looking up at me."
Why it's whack: Chad and the gang paints a picture of a woman being submissive to a man here. (She's literally on her knees.) It doesn't get more misogynistic than a man saying he prefers women with their pants off.
"Gotta Get Me Some"
Lyric: "You know, she's got everything I want, but all rolled into one/Gotta get me some."
Why it's whack: Oh, Chad. You've done it again. It seems like I have to give you another lesson. Women are not inanimate items you can "get" whenever you please. You "get some" food. You do not "get some" ladies. Please update your rhetoric to non-caveman speak, thank you.