Aziah King/@_zolarmoon/Zola just broke the Internet harder than even Kim Kardashian could. The seemingly pregnant Twitter user gave us a story of epic proportions about the time she took a spontaneous trip to Florida with a fellow dancer (whom she'd met the night prior), the girl's boyfriend and pimp, with an attempted suicide, murder and busts along the way. We don't even know if the story is true, and Aziah, or Zola, is still a complete mystery to us all. But Twitter is begging for her to get book, movie, and TV show deals because her brilliant writing is simply unmatched.
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Aside from how ridiculous the story is, it's the one-liners that are the real takeaway. You can read it in its entirety here, but these lines are all you really need, and they will entertain you until the end of time. We suggest you learn them, practice them, and say them frequently, because they aren't going anywhere. Here are some of Zola's lines that are making history right here and now:
"Then she tells me this hulking black man is her sugar daddy. & I'm like oh yes bitch my SD at home. I feel it I feel it"
"So we vibing over our hoeism or whatever. & we exchange numbers!!"
"Now my n---- DID NOT want me to go. He was soooooo hurt
So I had to f--- him calm, & then I left."
"So I texted her on the slick while in the backseat like 'another sugar daddy? U got a type bitch!'"
"the club had HELLA rules which I'm not use to (Ima full nude typa bitch)"
"shes f---ing sobbing. Im like oooommmmgggggg really?! Now im feeling bad for the ho"
"they start f---ing RIGHT on the bed next to me. It was a f---ing mess. A MESS"
"So when they finished he gave her $100. I said 'jess, u sellin puss for $100???? P---y is worth thousands. U trippin'"
"He goes 'wow u even set up ur friend. U such a ho' so they arguing for hours. I leave & go down to the pool. I mean, i am in florida !"
"I was like this n---- lost in the sauce & his bitch lost in the game"
"this deep african accent comes out!! I couldnt even understand him on the phone. I was like maaaannnnn. We dead bro"
"Jarrett randomly stops crying. Instantly. Like some movie shit."
"I looked at her like she wasn't speaking English & i said 'im not gone beat yo ass rn bcus u already in bad shape."