I don’t want to jump the gun, especially about anything involving two of my favorite people, Kerry Washington and Shonda Rhimes, but season four of Scandal is reminding me of Destiny’s Child’s performance of “Soldier” on 106 & Park. Yeah, it turned out to be good in the end, but none of us will ever forget that Michelle Williams busted her ass at the very beginning of the set.
Now that it’s clear we’re going to be dealing with the Olivia Pope kidnapping storyline for a bit longer than most of us desired (43 minutes of commercial free airtime, to be exact), we have to make sense of the senseless. Well, I do anyway. Let’s try to figure this mess out together, y’all.
1. So you’re the President of the United States of America and you’re going to let the Vice President punk ya, ha, and try to run ya, ha? Like, the Vice President doesn’t even have an office at the White House. Gayle King might have some power, but Oprah would never let her man handle her like that. I’m just saying, Fitz.
2. When did the Vice President morph into an evil genius? We were introduced to Andrew as a very genial, accommodating politician with Texas Governor Rick Perry’s face. Suddenly, he’s Scar from The Lion King, Jafar from Aladdin, and Dr. Evil from Austin Powers combined. What changed?
3. Who else wanted to punch this Secret Service person in the face when he bossed Fitz around about stealing his boo thang, Liv?
4. Her bad timing notwithstanding, wasn’t it a good idea for Mellie to be more open with Fitz about smashing other men? They’re never going to have the relationship they should have, but they can at least have a more honest, open relationship that’s only lasting for professional gain.
5. That said, doesn’t Mellie need to work on her language? Like, she told this man, "I thought being with him would make me happy in a way that you being with Olivia makes you happy." That’s a bit much, Mellie Mel. Stick to smaller, declarative statements, beloved.
6. What kind of Dell computer does Huck own because let him tell it, he can track Jesus’ movements on one of Jupiter’s moons if you give him enough time?
7. Can anyone out lip quiver Kerry Washington? Pay attention, Emmys.
8. Why was Olivia so verbally abusive to her kidnappers? Respect to her thug levels, but most people wouldn’t be talking that level of shit to people who could turn them into a piñata with one wrong turn of phrase.
9. Did anyone almost feel bad about the way Huck tortured Elizabeth North for intel on Olivia’s whereabouts?
10. It was nice to see Jake and Fitz play nice for a little bit, right?
11. After Fitz explained to Mellie that Andrew had captured Olivia and threatened to kill her if he didn’t declare war on Angola, she asked him if he loved her. Once he said yes, Mellie said, “You know what you have to do?” Since when is Mellie all "If you love her, continue to ruin the political career I helped build for you?"
12. Who expects Olivia to tell Fitz the following in a future scene: "You can sacrifice thousands of lives for me, but you won't divorce your wife so we can move to Vermont?"
13. How dumb is Fitz for actually believing Andrew would honor such a deal anyway?
14. What would Fitz do without Mellie? Seriously, she’s the smartest person in the White House. Can she get a spinoff where she’s the president? Please.
15. Who would want their last meal to be beef stew? I thought Olivia Pope had a much better palette than that.
16. What was with all of those slave connotations Olivia doled out when trying to explain to her captor that she’s much more valuable with a press, sickening coat, and being sold to the highest bidder than she is sweating out her blowout, sweating out her press in some raggedy dungeon-like facility? She should’ve told the man, “I hear you be the block, but I’m the light that keeps that streets on.”
17. DO YOU WANNA BE A BABYSITTER OR DO YOU WANNA BE A BOSS?
Goodness, what a terrible line.
18. Don’t you miss Olivia Pope and Associates fixing things?
19. No, seriously, how much longer are we going to have to suffer through this kidnapping subplot?
20. Are you the black lady?
[Photo Credit: ABC]